If you have exhausted all other means of solving your problem, and you're thinking of emailing me with a personal plea, please don't! I just don't have enough time to answer PHP questions, and whatever you say will simply go unanswered. Sorry!
That said, if you simply have nowhere else to turn, you're welcome to try and get in touch with me on Twitter: @twostraws. I can't promise I'll be able to help, but you can try!
If this was helpful, please take a moment to tell others about Hacking with PHP by tweeting about it!